Dear Meghan: It’s an age-old question, but what do I do about my husband who seems to have given up all ideas about parenting with me? Before our daughter’s birth, he talked a lot about making sure he also took on the burden of parenthood. But that was a year ago and now he acts like watching our child is giving me a break.

He’s never bathed her or put her to bed. Since she was born there’s never been a day where I wasn’t the primary caregiver. We both work. I love her and I am glad to do it, but it would be nice to have someone to rely on — or someone who cared for me, too. We don’t have family close by and the only people who help are the ones I pay. What’s next?

— Can’t Do It All

Can’t Do It All: I will admit that when I first read your question, I had lots of side-eye and judgment. My immediate answer to your question of what’s next was, “You leaving him is what’s next!” But I have been working, parenting and married long enough to know that there’s a lot I don’t know here. I just don’t know the myriad issues (big and small) in your relationship that has led to this lopsided parenting.

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I also don’t know your gender, but I do know that even in a dual-working household, most women with male partners carry the primary load of raising the children. Our culture devalues the domestic work of parenting at almost every level. Aside from the day jobs, many mothers are responsible for all school matters, doctor’s visits, play dates, homework issues, after-school activities, food procurement and preparation, chores, cleaning and shopping. As Eve Rodsky says in “Fair Play,” it’s all invisible work: “Invisible because it may be unseen and unrecognized by our partners, and also because those of us who do it may not count or even acknowledge it as work … despite the fact that it costs us real time and significant mental and physical effort with no sick days or benefits.” Regardless of whether you are a woman, it is a huge problem that you are carrying this invisible load for your family.

You need to communicate that with your spouse ASAP. Resentment grows in silence, and simply doing the heavy lifting of taking care of the baby after you work because “you’re glad to” and hoping your spouse will eventually pitch in? It’s not likely to get better. There are numerous ways to begin the caretaking conversation, but leading with questions might be the most fruitful. You can go on a date and say: “So I’ve noticed you aren’t bathing or putting the baby down to bed much. Tell me what’s up with that.” If you ask with true curiosity and not judgment, you may find out some interesting information.

If you get some shrugging, I would suggest using Rodsky’s “The Fair Play Deck.” While books are wonderful resources, the tangible nature of the cards (with all kinds of chores, jobs, caretaking and fun) is an excellent way to communicate your values, as well as what’s realistic for your family. The deck is also a great way to check in on your values as your family inevitably changes. Between careers, development, extended family, etc., there are so many factors that require clear and compassionate communication; these cards are a great first step.

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The overall lack of attachment between dad and baby may be making this obvious imbalance worse. It’s worth bringing this up to your husband, too. The main way a baby attaches to a parent is through the senses. This sense information (your spouse’s voice, for instance) puts your baby’s nervous system at ease. It is like her body says, “You are with your people, you can feel safe and you can keep growing.” This attachment is critical to a baby’s development. If your spouse wants to have a relationship with your daughter, he needs to start to relate to her through the senses. Something as simple as laying on the floor with her every night can foster a meaningful connection. My hope is that, as your spouse enjoys more time with the baby, he will feel more motivated to take on more (or even some) of the caretaking role.

If your partner balks at your suggestions — or even just the idea of talking about your issues — it’s time for therapy. If he won’t go with you, go by yourself. If you shoulder the physical and emotional load of working and caretaking, the odds of burnout are extraordinarily high. I can virtually guarantee your marriage will suffer (and maybe end). And the worst part? You could resent your child. Therapy will provide a place to talk out your feelings, make plans and stay centered. Good luck.

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